Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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