Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
there's paper in my vomit.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
