there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
