I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
