wanna go halves on a baby?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
