According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
