i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
