when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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