pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
