I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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