Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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