I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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