it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
