my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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