I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
