Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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