Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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