i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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