I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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