She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
