dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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