I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
