I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
