can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
