hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
