Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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