is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
