My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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