It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
