the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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