I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
