Umm I'm too high to move.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
