I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
