I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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