I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
