Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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