Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
