What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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