if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
