I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
