My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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