I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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