And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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