We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
