Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
