I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
