You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
