I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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