So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
