I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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