I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
