that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
