Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
