Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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