so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
