The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
