A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
