Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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