3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
they need to just BURY HIM!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
