who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
